How to Build a Gallows

Important pumpkin update: the row of ex-autumn pumpkins resting in the backyard were frozen for a couple weeks, but as predicted the freeze made the thaw particularly deliquescent.

Several of the formerly stout gourd boys immediately deflated, and both flat and spherical alike were immediately set upon by the neighborhood squirrels. Such was the feasting on pulp and seeds that most of the little pumpkins were actually thieved away to other parts of the yard for private feasting. About half the large remainders were collapsed enough to scoop up their corpses and transfer via shovel into the compost bin, as pictured at top.

One squirrel actually took over the pumpkin patch for a whole afternoon, fighting off no less than a half-dozen squirrel interlopers just in the time I observed. The alpha squirrel will no doubt grow plump and vital, powering through the winter and emerging into spring full of juice to make more of its kind. Natural selection at its finest.

My paint used to be Confident White, now it’s Diverse Beige?? I once wrote about how there’s no such thing as white people jokes but I’m definitely feeling the love (of white people like myself) from this new administration. Finally we get to have a shot at running things.

It’s too bad the rest of the world and most of America has to suffer for it, but what’s a little (ok a lot of) suffering and death if rich people can pay fewer taxes? Sorry if that sounds like gallows humor to you, but the gallows is where most people are looking these days. Either to see how close it’s getting, or if the person next to hang is somebody they’re excited to see die.

My father served briefly in the Army during the Korean War, barely finishing basic training before the conflict ended. But we still have his soldier’s field manual from 1952. It’s possible I’ve entirely fabricated this memory, but I thought it included insufficient advice on how to survive a nearby nuclear detonation, as well as a section on how to maintain law and order in a post-nuclear-war America until the military or government could return in force. I have a picture in my head from this manual for blueprints to build a gallows so your community could do away with undesirables. I think about that a lot, recently, for some reason, and in particular why I would make something like that up and believe it to be true, myself. Fortunately my brother still has the manual and is mailing it to me for verification. We’ll see what it contains, and if I need to look elsewhere for gallows specs, which may or may not include recommended paint colors.