The 16 Species of Middle Manager

THE TRUE BELIEVERNot only drinks the Kool-Aid but brews up a fresh pitcher every morning for the whole team. Evangelizes the company mission statement and executive party line at every opportunity. Megawattage of sincerity painful to endure and difficult to share. Will contort worldview to match principles regardless of evidence to the contrary. Sometimes promoted for their own safety.

THE VALVEDesigned to permit unimpeded flow of command-and-control in one direction and results data in the other. Avoids injecting foreign matter like personal judgement or perspective whenever possible. Listens attentively, absorbs efficiently, dispenses flawlessly. When in perfect working order, barely detectable.

THE COMPASSIONATE VOIDEmotionally invested and deeply engaged with what you’re doing, very much wants to hear your voice, respects your opinion and values your contributions. However, all of your input will vanish without a trace into the Void, never to be seen or heard again. Soulful and sympathetic roleplayer when giving you bad news. Loves speaking to groups and writing memos about how we’ll get all through this.

THE ENFORCERBrings the pain. Gets down to business. Lays down the law. Faces the hard truths, and insists you do the same. Executive management set the new goals, and we’re gonna get it done. Don’t waste time mourning the dead, or you’ll join them.

THE ACCOUNTANTHas a few points to discuss about your KPIs. Would really like to go over this visualization the quants whipped up. Prefers to send team emails about one particular person’s infraction rather than confronting the individual directly. May occasionally and bloodlessly cause someone to be terminated, or cause whole teams to be terminated. Perturbed by color, music, holidays.

THE CLEANERScrubs up the mess after a bloodbath, terminations, layoffs, strategic shifts, or pivots. Cold, remote, unapproachable, but extremely focused and efficient. Dissolves unpleasant evidence in (hopefully) metaphorical bathtub of acid. Usually moves on once mess is clean, as can start inventing new messes otherwise.

THE PATRONShowers regard and resources on a favorite or clique of minions, who themselves may take on other middle manager personality traits. Dynamic can be inappropriately sexual, egomaniacal, dictatorial, or adversarial, but always contagious and toxic. Often an obsequious toady in their own right when “managing up.”

THE MANAGER UPPERSpeaking of which, this masterful character focuses on the only vector that matters. Adopts whichever of the other middle manager personae are most attractive to their boss, and performs all executive-facing functions relentlessly, to the frequent exclusion of managing their own functions. Viewed by executives as an extension of their own will, but more accurately just a reflective surface.

THE CONSULTANTNobody knows who this person is or where they came from, but they sure are enthusiastic. Also great at creating slide presentations. But can suddenly vanish without a trace, often replaced by a Cleaner. Whatever happened to that thing they were doing? Didn’t that cost a lot of money? Guess it doesn’t matter now.

THE WARDENIf the recent disaster was not complete, or a project needs to hold together for a few months till the investment round, the Warden can help. There’s a short list of very clear new rules. Punishment for infractions is swift, severe, and public. The idea is to keep business simple, focused, disciplined, and crushingly predictable until something nice happens or everyone is fired.

THE SUITScary, capable, and corporate. A real “operator,” frequently appears following the tenure of a successful Cleaner. Meant to exude reassuring, impersonal competence while not having a history with the recent unpleasantness. In fact, does not actually believe in history, and views the present as an inconvenient obstacle en route to the future. Please check with their assistant about that.

THE REVOLUTIONARYSometimes a very good Consultant will be hired on for real. Suddenly they are presented with the terrifying prospect of trying to implement all the grandiose plans they recommended. Very exciting, always nervous, beloved as a refreshing change of pace by executives and colleagues who immediately set about sabotaging them.

THE BUDDYBit too familiar and social with direct reports. Likes hearing about their lives outside the office. Encourages you to confide in them. Responds effusively to DMs. Wants to hang out, get beers, pizza, see a show, what are you guys up to later? Doesn’t recognize cues and hints that team clearly wants space so they can talk shit about you in private.

THE KIDOvercompensates for youth and inexperience by micromanaging everything that doesn’t really require their attention. Delegates nothing, inserts themself into every meeting and decision, makes changes as performative demonstration of authority. Creates avalanche-style reports and insists on everyone speaking on every conference call.

THE OLDHas seen it all, done it all, and will frequently explain the future in the context of the past repeating itself, again. Will delegate everything if permitted to do so. Resigned if not actually resigning. Somehow both complacent and indignant.

THE MALCONTENTFrequent final stage of any middle manager, having attempted to please everyone and failed, then attempted to please anyone and also failed. Continues to execute all duties with bloodless precision while scorning the mission, objectives, executives, and possibility of grace in this life or the next. Takes no joy in wins, feels no pain in losses, accepts eventual promotion or termination with equal indifference. Appears mortally cynical but still possesses a secret vulnerable hopeful heart wrapped in layers of concrete and cocktails and sarcasm.