The Bad Consultant

I’ve consulted and freelanced in various forms over the eons, but the past year has been 100% consulting, and it turns out I’m probably not a good consultant because I enjoy it too much.

I promise this is not the job interview answer where your major flaw is that you’re a perfectionist. Really successful consultants parcel out their time and effort with great precision and parsimony. They do not talk for long, for free, about anything. I’m sure many consultants do enjoy their work, but they don’t let that get in the way of business. The value of scarcity and all that.

In the past year I’ve consulted on editorial projects for money. For not-money, I’ve consulted on management process, the state of the media industry, product strategy, startup culture, navigating office politics, company launches, staffing challenges, and career counseling. A focused, professional consultant does not respond to requests about “picking your brain over coffee,” but I like having my brain picked and also coffee. When I get these requests, I’m all too eager to accept, because I like thinking and talking about work with my erstwhile peers and fellow-travelers.

Certainly, my accommodating nature has led to some actual work here and there, and one could argue it’s good marketing. But the truth is I’m just very self-indulgent and love the sound of my own voice (like most writers), even if I’m conversely insensitive to flattery (or insults). Would anyone have paid me for these conversations as formal consulting? I guess I’ll never know!

One of my favorite weird irregular gigs is this outfit called GLG Consulting. They ingest your resume and then periodically call if one of their corporate or investment clients wants to talk about something, usually for a little less than an hour. It’s a few bucks, but the direction of the questions is a valuable little window into a big-money world I otherwise rarely interact with. Sometimes the line of inquiry will be charmingly retrograde, like a fund thinking of investing in companies that manage networks of video influencers (“wellllllll there’s a lot of flux in that space” I probably said). Other times I’m asked for an opinion about an executive I’ve worked with who has some big new job (yes, it was you, and I only said nice things), and various factions of investors want to get into this person’s psychology to further their nefarious agendas. I’m sure rich VC types get asked this stuff all the time. Still, a little of that goes … well, not very far actually.

Now that the first quarter is almost over and media layoff season is hopefully winding down (till the next one), I’m hoping I can parlay some of these conversations into one or two running gigs. I just have to clamp down on my natural inclination to gab and cultivate a properly mercenary demeanor. Of course, I’m still happy to talk to you, especially as it starts to get warmer and day-drinking becomes more acceptable and/or necessary. Until somebody’s paying me for it, a portion of my time is literally worthless, so why not? Last year I would even do “office hours” at Old Town in the afternoons, which has become just about the only time Old Town isn’t jammed anymore. See you there this spring, and let’s talk shop. You’re buying! I mean, if that’s okay.