The Most Delicious Media Billionaires

When I worked at Tumblr, David Karp wistfully confided that, as a founder and CEO, he had to be careful what he said around subordinates hanging on his every word. During one of our luxuriously catered lunches, he made an idle joke that next time we should get a chocolate fountain. Someone took this less as jest and more as subtle command, and so a chocolate fountain burbled away amongst the panini the very next day.

Extremely rich people deform the universe around them, on purpose or otherwise. If you work in media and publishing, chances are that sooner or later you will work for a billionaire, directly or via the vast web of interests such people maintain. Staff will get hired and fired and you’ll never know if the billionaire caused it, or is even aware of it. Chocolate fountains may appear for no reason or any reason, and may be assigned as your new manager. It’s still highly unlikely you will ever know a billionaire or know what their lives are like. But depending on how things go the next few years, who knows, you might end up eating one. What would a billionaire taste like? As with most meat, a strong culinary indicator of flavor has to do with the billionaire’s diet. Let’s examine a few.

Mort ZuckermanUS News & World ReportNet worth: $2.9 billionDiet: “I am in the national movement to save animals just by becoming a vegan. I’ve been a vegan for six years now, and I recommend it. It’s made me into the most dynamic carrot you’ve ever encountered in your life.”Tastes like: The most common debate on what vegans taste like is … not about sustenance per se. You can google it yourself if you must. That said, herbivorous animals are generally considered better eating than carnivores, and carry fewer parasites. Zuckerman would probably be firm and tender, though likely has little marbling. Best simply grilled with a light sauce or marinade of your choice.

Marc BenioffTime magazineNet worth: $6.6 billionDiet: “‘Eat less fat, meat, fewer eggs, and dairy products. Spend more time on fish, chicken, calves liver. Canadian food, Italian food, Chinese food, supplement by fresh fruits, vegetables and casseroles.’ Time Magazine, January 13 1961.”Tastes like: Benioff’s admiration for sensible historical advice from his newly purchased media property implies an appreciation for the days when “calves liver” was a healthy alternative. Note also his sorrow at being denied a foie gras burger. This appreciation for organ meats argues for baking Benioff into some sort of pie or pastry in the Canadian fashion.

Patrick Soon-ShiongLos Angeles TimesNet worth: $7 billionDiet: “I have a big sweet tooth.”Tastes like: While it’s become common to feed cows candy for reasons of cost or digestion, there’s no evidence that candy-eating cows taste sweeter. Unlike feeding beer to Kobe cows, Soon-Shiong’s sweet tooth probably does not affect his personal flavor. But it couldn’t hurt, amirite? I’m thinking a thin filet quickfry with apple butter for some reason.

Rupert MurdochNews Corp.Net worth: $19.4 billionDiet: “… he gets up at four or five in the morning and has a bowl of porridge—‘A horse,’ he says, ‘has to have its chaff’—and then, after a shower and shave, drives down the hill to work. He works all morning and then goes to lunch at the Fox commissary, where every day he intently scans the menu and then every day has the same damn thing: grilled chicken, vegetables, and a Diet Coke.”Tastes like: Murdoch’s diet has reportedly improved due to the intervention of his most recent ex-wife Wendi, but even his chaff and Coke regimen wouldn’t have unduly marred his arrival on the palate. Certainly his age is a factor, so perhaps one would prepare Murdoch in a stew to highlight his complex terroir.

Michael BloombergBloomberg NewsNet worth: $48.7 billionDiet: “He devours burnt bacon and peanut butter sandwiches. He has a weakness for hot dogs, cheeseburgers, and fried chicken, washing them down with a glass of merlot. And his snack of choice? Cheez-Its.”Tastes like: Bloomberg has a fondness for the simple crap foods we all adore in our darkest and most private moments. This means his various cuts will be fatty, but that’s a plus if you’re into keto. Alternately, broil in a pan with a rack, or fry in a skillet so his fat renders and you still get his flavor without too many calories.

Jeff BezosWashington PostNet worth: $131.6 billionDiet: “During a meeting with Woot founder Matt Rutledge, he ordered octopus with potatoes, bacon, green garlic yoghurt and eggs for breakfast. ‘When I look at the menu, you’re the thing I don’t understand, the thing I’ve never had,’ Bezos said. ‘I must have the breakfast octopus.’”Tastes like: Bezos is a novelty among billionaires in that he’s become a health and fitness nut but hasn’t transformed into a Soylent-swilling ascetic. He still lusts for the exotic and eclectic, and just this breakfast octopus story spawned investigative reports on what it all means for the rest of us toiling in the Extended Bezosiverse. Just check out the way he tore into that iguana. I suspect Bezos is the only billionaire (with the possible exception of Peter Thiel) who has himself already tasted human flesh. If so, forget about the niceties and just bite into him raw, hoping you can take him down live. You’d better eat Bezos before he eats you.