Whose Number One?

I do not pee in the compost. There are a number of reasons for this, chiefly that my compost bins reside in a chainlink-fenced corner of the backyard within clear view of two different neighbors’ picture windows. While we’re not particular friends with these neighbors, I can’t imagine the prospect of me grandly micturating in the background of their morning routines would endear me to their hearts.

There’s also a chemical reason I don’t pee in my compost, which is that my bins are already quite rich in nitrogen, since it’s mostly kitchen scraps (i.e. greens) in there. Urine is very nitrogen-heavy too. The most common given rationale for peeing in compost is to offset high amounts of carbon (i.e. browns) from adding waste paper or cardboard to the mix.

But for those who do pee in their ‘post, there exists an online community of enthusiasts ready to offer detailed guidance about when, how, and in what fluid capacities to do so. (No need to link here, feel free to google the topic yourself, should add some interesting flavor to your adserving algorithms.) True piss purists are careful not to compost urine that might contain residual medication or other human contaminants, and some go so far as to bottle their urine to reduce pathogen risk and better systematize measured urinary amendments.

Judging by their focus and dedication to the craft, it might seem that some practitioners add waste paper to their compost just to offset their urine, rather than the reverse. Who am I to judge? There’s an enviable freedom in contemplating the celebrated act of peeing outside like a beast of the field, for a good environmental cause, and unshackled by shame and anxiety from nearby windows. If my compost bins were more secluded and private I might even consider it, though maybe not till it’s warmer out.

Desperate to mine the digital footprint of alleged CEO-killer Luigi Mangione for habits that may be extrapolated to inflammatory social maladies, the media has arrived at this bombshell: he is a Gamer. What’s more, a friend recalls that Mangione played Among Us, a cooperative online game of cartoonish space puzzle-solving where one player is secretly a killer!

Emergency meeting! About the definition of irony, that is. However I must applaud the friend thinking up this quote that so cleverly captures the game’s brand. The interviewer must have shuddered, eyes half-lidded in pleasure, upon hearing this jewel uttered and imagining its inclusion the copy. When I’m finally brought to justice, I hope my friends can give reporters something just as pithy when relating how much time I wasted in Crusader Kings or Rust or Dwarf Fortress.